A Day With Toddlers
28 December 2019
PC: Jonny Lindner
A day with toddlers is like being a storm-chasing Jane Goodall with cleaning supplies. Sometimes I find myself studying them. Other times I am inside the tornado. And I am always cleaning something up. Thankfully, there’s also magic.
One of the boys wakes up a little more slowly than his brother, who wakes up sprinting. By 6:45am, I have already changed three diapers (one poopy one, for those keeping score at home), stopped a Christmas ornament fight (they are in a real throwing phase), and cleaned the floor (they tipped the garbage can over and were trying to eat popcorn — but didn’t eat any — not safe! — that I’d thrown away after my 1,334th-consecutive-Netflix-program-for-one the night before). I have actually started talking to the dog about Mindhunter (he’s a patient listener), but that’s for another post. I do like my kids’ natural instinct to not let anything go to waste in these incredibly wasteful times for our planet, though.
I managed to corral them for our morning “Breakfast Book Club.” I started this recently, mostly out of the guilt of letting them watch so many Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes. It has actually been really wonderful (I recommend it), and they both look forward to it now. We all eat breakfast together and read books. Today we read Count The Dinosaurs for a good three minutes before one of the boys started going Jackson Pollock with his yogurt. He was able to splash the table, drapes, and floor before I was able to neutralize him. Toddlers can get a lot done in a mind-blowingly short amount of time. While I cleaned that mess up, they decided to play “plug in and unplug the Xmas tree lights,” so I had to drop the towel and shut down another activity (a violation of CA health and safety code 17920.3.)
PC: Rommel Sharma
By 8am, both boys were crawling around barking, chewing on toys and my leg. Lately they have been doing a lot of pretend play. Today they are dogs. Maybe one day they will pretend to be custodians or mannequins for a while, but I think that’s about as likely as the Knicks winning the title. Toddlers are proof of Newton’s first law: an object in motion stays in motion… unless I put them in their car seats. Time to do a drive-through Starbucks run to catch my breath and re-caffeinate. The latte factor is real. Starbucks is getting all of the kids’ college money so far.
Back at home, I feel like I may have a sinus infection kicking in. The pressure in the eyes/head is getting intense. By the way, getting sick a lot is a part of parenthood that the whole family gets to enjoy for years. One kid gets sick at MyGym, childcare, Target, preschool, you name it and it quickly spreads through the house like measles at an anti-vaxxer’s day camp. Toddlers don’t give a shit if you’re sick. They run up the score and dance on your head. At this point, the boys have taken apart their Go! Go! Smart Wheels Mickey Mouse Choo-Choo Express and are hitting each other with the tracks.
I have put the Choo Choo Express tracks together so many times that I feel like a homeowner in Kansas or Nebraska living in the heart of Tornado Alley thinking that maybe this time when I rebuild again somehow illogically it will be the last time. That written, I have just finished putting it back together when I look up and see that they have taken all of their toys out of the closet. Both boys are laughing and burping and saying that they have applesauce burps.
I think it’s noonish. Not sure. I throw together some pasta and watch as one of the boys smears marinara sauce across his face like it’s some kind of Italian war paint. Maybe I should have named him Spartacus. He has a look like he’s plotting a rebellion.
PC: Franck Barske
After cleaning up (are you seeing a pattern here?), it’s gym time. They have child care at the gym and the boys love it so I change diapers and marinara-stained shirts, get snacks and drinks together, and get them to the garage. You would think I was the driver of a prisoner transport vehicle trying to get them to the courthouse given the energy it takes to get them in car seats. One of the boys makes a mad dash and starts doing laps around the car, trying to avoid my grasp as long as possible, laughing the entire time. The other one waits until I try to get him in his car seat before he starts resisting like a UFC fighter trying not to tap out. He extends his legs, slides down the seat, and does random screams that are ear piercing. Twenty minutes later, we are off to the gym. Upside: my warm-up is complete. Another upside is the step count I hit daily, since these boys got quick on their feet. I regularly hit 20,000 steps no problem chasing these two all day. Always look for upsides.
Toddlers can be hilarious on drives because they will start having a “conversation” and imitate words they’ve heard from their mom or me. The other day I heard this exchange:
“I need two minutes. I need alone time.”
“No, I’m talking now.”
“No, two minutes. Sorry.”
“You’re being naughty.”
This kind of back-and-forth is priceless; it warms my heart and makes me laugh so hard. I love these two so much it’s crazy.
Heartwarming moments turn quickly, though, as one of the boys starts hitting his brother with his sippy cup and the crying starts. It was nice while it lasted.
After the gym we go to the high school to burn off more energy. The high school (after school is out, of course) has been a great place to go and run with the boys. There is a stream to play near, bleachers to run up and down, a track to run around, and lockers to try and open. The boys love it. I do, too. Occasionally, they try to pick up garbage (toddlers tend to want to pick up everything) or won’t listen to me for the thirteenth time (please don’t tip over the garbage cans!), but overall these high school days will be times I will probably cry about when we are empty nesters. You have to savor the days despite the crazy. The crazy is part of every toddler day, and if you lose yourself in that then you won’t connect with all of the magic that happens, too.
We circle up for family dinner and then it’s play time until bath time. Recently, the boys and I started a band called Olaf and the Elsas so this eve we are having “band practice,” which means one boy bangs on the drums, another one plays the plastic trumpet his yiayia got him for his birthday, and I am on the harmonica. Tonight we took it on the road and walked down the street a bit, playing as loudly as we could. I’m sure the neighbors can’t wait for the album release.
Then it’s bath time. The boys laugh and giggle and sing (lately it’s been a lot of “Frosty the Snowman”). I read books to them sometimes while they are in the bath, and staring at their big, beautiful eyes just melts me. Then it’s pajamas and club cuddle with their mom and it’s another day in the books. Being a dad to these two is my greatest blessing. Yes, even with all of the crazy. I wouldn’t trade a thing.
