Dad Boot Camp: 5 Steps To Becoming A Dudeist Dad
9 December 2019
PC: Alan Woo
I wasn’t sure that I wanted to become a dad. I mean, I wasn’t opposed to it, but it certainly wasn’t driving my life’s decisions. Then I fell in love with Jenn, and Jenn wanted to be a mom yesterday. She couldn’t have been more clear, focused, or determined. I tried to tell her that we were both still only in our late 30s, early 40s so what was the rush, but she wasn’t buying that. Anyway, I needed a push, and fortunately for me she’s good at pushing, so she pushed me off the fence and we were off to the races. The road to parenthood for us was rockier than Mars, but we eventually made it. I owe the greatest joys of my life to Jenn.
Today, I can’t imagine not being a dad. Being a dad is my favorite thing to be in the whole world. It took time for me to get here, though. If you are thinking about becoming a dad someday, or will be a dad soon, or very recently became a dad, then I’m glad you’re here. I think that there are some things you can do to prepare, train, and transition much more easily than I did. In other words, I think you can get to that clear, committed, wouldn’t-trade-it-for-the-world, heart-centered place much more quickly.
First, and this one is hard to deal with — especially for the older dads who are more set in their ways: It ain’t about you anymore. That can at first occur like a negative statement akin to “it’s not you, it’s me.” It’s not. It’s a Jedi, Zen-like opportunity. That written, I resisted that idea for a long time because I still wanted it to be about me, but what you resist, as they say, persists. I did the same thing when I heard the “it’s not you, it’s me” line a couple of times in my dating days, by the way, and I wish I would have just accepted those words immediately, too. It would have saved me countless hours writing crappy poems and songs, and lots of gas money from all of the post-break-up stalking I did. I digress. I can’t overstate this. As soon as you can learn to let go of how you think your life with a new baby in it should look or what you think you should get, the more peaceful and loving and connected you will be to your partner and children. Acceptance is yours. It’s the keys to the kingdom. Just let go and go with the flow.
Homework: Go back and watch The Big Lebowski again and connect with your inner Dudeist. Also, start meditating 5 minutes each day.
PC: 4144132
Second, the saying “the days are long, but the years are short” is spot on. Here’s the thing: There will be endless days when you can’t believe it’s only 2pm. It will feel like 8 or 9pm, easy. And then at every birthday or big milestone (walking, talking, etc.) you’ll think that time is flying by and you’ll beg it to slow down. So, you need to be able to really be present in the moments. The magic is in the moments. And yes, parenting is exhausting and relentless, but there are no words that adequately describe the love and joy you will feel. So one thing that you can practice is to single-task, not multi-task, everything you’re doing. This keeps the anxiety low and the connection to the moment high. Whether you are changing a diaper or making a work call or watching Netflix, just do that thing that you are doing in that moment. Just that thing.
Pro tip: When you take your child to the park, don’t bring your phone. Don’t be another dad pushing a swing with one hand and checking fantasy football updates with the other. Be there with your child.
Homework: Start writing a few lines in a journal a few times each week about the day’s happenings, your ideas and experiences. By doing some self-reflection, you’ll connect more deeply to the day’s moments. Also, you will want to write down things your kids do and say as they grow up, so you best start journaling now so the habit is locked.
Third, life in general — and your baby, specifically — will give you a lot of sh— sometimes. You always have a choice. Laugh or cry. There have been days when I have gotten peed on and pooped on, slept less than two hours, changed twenty diapers, and didn’t talk to another adult. Full disclosure: I did cry a couple of times, but mostly I have been able to see the humor in this thing called parenting. It’s such a crazy ride that it constantly gives you material to make jokes from and laugh about. Plus, the connection I have to other fathers now and the laughter we share is priceless. Laughter has health benefits, as well. So go for it. Laugh your a— off.
Homework: Subscribe to a funny dad blog or podcast (my good friends started this one) and get in the laughter game.
PC: 이정민 훈장
Fourth, you will hear a lot of things from a lot of people, but take all of it with a grain of salt. Better yet, take it like it’s something you read on Facebook. For example, “it gets easier.” People throw that one around a lot. It doesn’t get easier. It gets different. Every chapter has its joys and challenges. I think people say that line to new parents because of how radically different life looks once you bring your baby (or babies) home for the first time. When we first brought our twins home, I did have this sleep-deprived, somewhat-comforting thought that we were babysitting someone else’s kids and they’d be back to pick them up soon and peace would be restored. Then Navy Seal “Hell Week” kicks in and you haven’t slept, nobody is there to relieve you, you’re disoriented, you’re sleep-diaper-changing, and babies are falling off of your chest during naps (maybe that was just me). It’s day in and day out continuous parenting that you thought you were in shape for, but you weren’t, and now you wish you could ring a brass ship bell three times, drop your helmet liner, and check into a Kimpton hotel by yourself. That written, when the babies are, well, babies, they aren’t running around trashing your house yet like toddlers who have a striking resemblance to crackheads who’ve been up for 72 hours straight do. It gets different.
Homework: Give the baby mama a back massage and a foot rub. One thing you will hear that is spot on is to take care of mom. Do that.
Finally, a few quotes from The Dude in The Big Lebowski to properly get your mindset right. First, “I can’t be worrying about that sh*t. Life goes on, man.” Second, “Strikes and gutters, ups and downs.” Third, “Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.” And finally, since you are going to join the dads’ club, “Let me just find a cash machine.”
The Dudeist Dad abides…
“Thank you for being you”
