10 Things I Thought (And 10 Things She Bought) When We Found Out We Were Having Twins

17 November 2019

PC: Annalise Batista

When I found out that we were having twins  I almost fainted. Good thing I was leaning against a wall. I had a life plan in mind that worked perfectly with a singleton, so that second heartbeat almost made my heart stop. The fact that I had a job interview (I was jobless) right after that doctor’s appointment didn’t help.

PC: 1820796 

Let me back up a bit, though. I knew we were having twins well before that appointment. The psychic I went to in West Hollywood thought I was going to be famous in Latin America, so she wasn’t helpful (at least not yet), but I did start taking Spanish lessons on Duolingo after that. Estas listo para mi, Venezuela? I digress. Jenn and I went through fertility to get here. I’m going to go into that a lot more in a separate post, but the important point now is that we ended up with the “twins doctor.” Our doctor, an incredibly amazing and generous guy, loves it when his patients have twins (who knew?). With a little bit of due diligence, I would have seen that his Instagram feed screams twins. I would have also seen that he has met Jay-Z and Beyoncé, likes to go to Aspen, and is in China all the time (a fertility missionary this guy is -- good thing, because I was just thinking the other day, “What China needs is more people having multiples”). This doctor delivers twins like the dude in the van delivers Amazon boxes to our house. All. The. Time. (Lose my f————- address, Amazon dude! Dios mio!). Soooooo, when we were deciding whether or not Dr. Twins should transfer two embryos during our long road to pregnancy, Jenn was on valium and had to pee and I was stuck in a dark corner of the exam room sweating and claustrophobic trying to talk myself down from the panic attack tree. Our doctor seemed clear-headed and recommended we transfer two. He said they were excellent embryos. I don’t know if anybody said anything after that, but as he transferred both only moments later, the nurse who was assisting him said he did a perfect job. Like she was excited. Oprah-just-gave-everybody-a-car excited. Like Steph Curry was on fire from behind the arc except it was Dr. Twins with the ball and his foot was on the line. Count the two. Everything was in slow motion. That’s when I knew.

Here are the thoughts that crossed my mind immediately after hearing the definitive news a few weeks later:

1. I need to check my bank account when I get back in front of the computer. I didn’t even budget for one, let alone two.

2. I wonder if Jenn would be ok if we adopted one out as a nature vs. nurture experiment.

3. Whatever happened to the Olsen Twins?

4. I’M GONNA BE A DADDY!!!!

5. I really really need this job.

6. Can I name even one current player on the Minnesota Twins? People in the Midwest really are nice. The Ying Yang Twins aren’t really twins. And they aren’t from the Midwest. I wonder if they are nice.

7. Do we need to buy two parenting guides?

8. How many times am I going to have to hear the “do twins run in our family” question now?

9. I’m actually going to have to roll up my sleeves and do a lot of the heavy lifting, unlike my buddy who only has one kid and still throws monthly poker nights. You can’t run a zone defense with two.

10. What if I don’t like them? Is there a trial period? Returns and exchanges policy? Can we have the babies at Nordstrom? I love their policies.

So that’s what was going through my head. Jenn was thinking about something else entirely: shopping. I don’t think it was because she found out she was having twins, though. She’s always thinking about shopping. I’m surprised she didn’t suggest that we name our kids Amazon and Target. Here are the 10 things she bought in the weeks that followed the news:

1. Two car seats. Infant-approved that meet the safety requirements of your state. And don’t try to install these at the hospital the day they say you can take your kids home. This will make you wish you’d done a home birth. We got the Nuna Pipa car seat/base.

2. Though we never used them, we got the babyletto cribs. They looked nice, though.

3. You don’t need highchairs right away, but we got Chicco Polly. Highchairs are great for meals, coloring, etc.

4. We got the Ubbi Steel Diaper Pail and Pampers Swaddlers. You will go through 960-1440 diapers in the first 60 days alone. Fun facts.

5. We got the Honest Company City Backpack for a diaper bag. I think it’s vegan.

6. Baby monitor, we got the Motorola. My pager back in the day was a Motorola. I’m brand loyal.

7. We got the Baby Care Play Mat Playpen.

8. Strollers: City Select Double and Bugaboo Cameleon. Good thing we didn’t lease, because we would have paid up the yin-yang for over mileage.

9. Changing table: Graco.

10. Baby bathtubs: Puj Tub and Skip Hop Moby and Summer Right Height.

11. Bottles: Dr. Brown’s.

12. Fisher Price Deluxe Bouncer. Life saver.

13. Sling: Ergobaby. Nothing better than a baby on your chest or back or both.

14. Leachco Podster. Life savers.

15. 4moms rockaRoo swing.

Did I say she bought 10 things? I lost count. I under promise and over deliver. Having twins is a little bit like over delivering.

I’ll leave you with with a couple of comments I got from people when they heard that we were having twins. One man, a father of 13-year-old twin girls said, ”You’re screwed.” I didn’t ask him to elaborate. I assumed he meant that having two at once means your life as you know it is over, and also figured that having two teen girls to deal with likely isn’t anybody’s idea of a zen state. One woman, a twins mom, said, ”It’s the greatest blessing ever.” She got a little choked up as she said it. It was pretty unforgettable. I think they both make valid points. Twins lock you down like a supermax prison. Unless you have boatloads of cash to hire help and you don’t care if you miss a lot of your children’s lives, twins double-team you like the Raptors did to Steph. The openings you once had (i.e meeting friends for coffee, lazy Sundays, trips to Vegas because you found cheap airfare, the miraculous feeling of being fully rested, etc.) close down immediately. This is an adjustment (especially for a free spirit like me), but one I wouldn’t trade. Full stop. Seemingly every day there is what I call a perfect moment. I mean welling-up-from-the-purest-love-you’ll-ever-feel type of moment. That take-your-breath-away-and-forever-change-you kind of moment. That restore-your-faith-in-humanity-and-what’s-possible-with-love kind of moment. Babies remind us of what we are capable of and how deeply we need and can experience love and connection. Every day I feel blessed. Doubly blessed. And no, twins don’t run in our family. They certainly run it, though. And with that I say, buenas noches, Ecuador! Has sido un gran publico!